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It took her a long time to realize that it is not normal for others to be able to do that and that Neurotypicals certainly do not experience it that way.
That is of course also why they can do anything to each other, they do not feel the other the way they feel themselves. Perhaps that gives extra fear and the feeling of being lonely, Foss thinks.
She never has that. She does not know the feeling of loneliness. She's part of everything, right? She knows being alone, but that can often be a pleasure, at least for her these days.
Being able to dissolve into the other is also the reason Foss can never live together with the person who has her heart. First of all, it would give her too much stimulation. Moreover, she would completely disappear into the other person she loves so much. And there would be too little energy left for her to live her own life.
It is the most important thing for her that he feels happy, that he is relaxed and experiences love. That she helps him and is there for him. That resonates in her as a blissful feeling and gives her relaxation. That's her way of loving deeply, but she never expects anything in return. Her love is always unconditional because otherwise, it is not love but a form of manipulation, she believes.
When she spends a few days with Taavi, she enjoys it so much that she feels so intensely connected to him. That invisible connection that is always there between them feels so intense.
It took time to realize and accept that a 'normal' life or standard relationship was not for her. The fact that she ever pursued that with everything she had was only because she had grown up with it being that way. Then she still had that deep fear that she didn't belong anywhere, and she naturally followed the herd, the family, to which she belonged at the time. She had to be like them to have a right to exist, right?
Her phone app plays a loving melody that lets her know that Taavi has sent her a message. A happy smile automatically appears on her lips.
She loves that man so deeply. Even though she doesn't see him much. The times they spent together have a special place in her heart.
She calls them up when she needs to feel what that was like again, how intense it felt, and how happy it made her.
Taavi sends her some articles from the internet that have caught his attention.
She will read them later and she will text him that, but he is already offline.
Foss drinks her coffee carefully. She tries to stay in the now, but she can't help the fact that her brain takes her back to him, and she keeps thinking about Taavi. He always pops into her head now and then and that always makes her feel happy. She can write down or say she loves him thousands of times, but it still doesn't reflect her feelings.
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Thuiswinkel Waarborg